I am not just a giant hagfish.

(I have no idea when I wrote this one, I found it in the pile of drafts.)

Does anyone know or care, she posted on Facebook, that lobster and crabs are just giant bugs?

Lobsters and crabs, I mansplained, are giant bugs the way humans are giant hummingbirds or rattlesnakes or lampreys or Gila monsters or cane toads which are all as closely related to human beings as crabs and lobsters are to insects. Crabs, lobsters and insects all have the basic features of arthropods—they have the hard exoskeletons that the soft parts of the body are held within, as well as segmented bodies (head, thorax and abdomen) and paired jointed appendages (all those matching legs, claws and antennae.) Anyone, bibbed and covered with crustacean goo, who actually eats a lobster gets a beautiful lesson in arthropod anatomy. Humans, fish, reptiles, amphibians and your Thanksgiving turkey all have the basic chordate design of backbones (or a notochord made of cartilage like lampreys do) and all our edible parts are built around that backbone and the skeleton that developed out of it (except the brains tucked inside our skulls but those are more like the marrow and neurons inside our spinal column than the rest of our soft body parts). So if a lobster could think about it he (or her) would probably be offended by us comparing her (or him) to a cockroach, the way we would be offended (or I would, anyway) by being compared to, say, a hagfish.

That being said, lobsters are way too gross to eat, because they look just like giant bugs.

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