I wrote this in the early days of Covid, when no one had a clue how the disease worked, and a few guys showed up at the emergency room with Covid symptoms and pain in the testicles. Ghastly medical hypotheses followed that the virus entered to scrotum where, free from antibodies, it fed off our manliness and reproduced itself so fast it was able to fill our lungs and we died ghastly suffocating deaths, killed by our own balls. Well, it was a fun hypothesis anyway. I never bothered finishing the piece. It’s hard to type and clench your knees together at the same time.

A stabbing pain in the testicles, the headline said that early in the pandemic morning, could be a symptom of Covid. There was this guy who showed up at an emergency room in a most embarrassing agony. Probably quite a terrifying trip to the hospital. Then again maybe one of those gorgeous doctors on CNN examined his testicles. Poke. Squeeze. Poke. Does this hurt? Squeeze poke poke squeeze poke. How about now?

Anyway, the dude’s balls were fine, but he had lung damage. But they keep discovering testicle damage in patients (well, male patients anyway) and I imagine his scrotum eventually crumbled into a fine powder and blew away.

Eek.