Now the Chinese will steal it.

A guy asked how many of you have dropped an ice cube on the kitchen floor, only to kick it under the refrigerator instead of picking it up? Let’s see those hands.

I had to be honest. Me, I said, where it melts, and in our tilty kitchen the water trickles out from beneath the fridge and winds up in the middle of our kitchen floor and my wife asks where the water on the floor came from and I say I dunno and wipe it up. My Rube Goldberg ice cube picker upper technique.

You get very inventive in a thirty nine year marriage.

Crowddiagnosing

Speaking of the social uses technology, I am no longer getting two or three emails a day from hundreds of Asian women who want to marry me and I’m now getting three or four emails a day about erectile dysfunction. The hundreds of Asian women must have been concerned.

The miniaturization of civilization

I don’t gave a computer. I don’t have an iPad. My entire digital existence is conducted on an iPhone, and almost everything we do is digital. All our business and finances, a lot of our shopping, all our transportation, much of our medical stuff, all the social media, all the research and every last word I write. I didn’t realize this was strange until today. We manage our lives out of a red folder containing a few papers, two old fashioned and ink smeared calendars, a few sheets of scrawled monthly budgets on a clipboard (remember clipboards?), and this iPhone. That is the entirety of our transactions, interactions and communications with the world outside our house. The thirty two year old Brick would find the sixty two year old Brick’s daily life utterly incomprehensible and certainly ominous. And the 62 year old Brick wonders how the 32 old Brick got anything done at all.

Huge hands

Huge hands with huge fingers are not an evolutionary advantage on a smart phone. I see my kind becoming extinct, like some sort of vastly fingered megafauna. I go to the La Brea tar pits and look at the skeletons of megatheriums with their huge clumsy claws and envision me thudding at a tiny digital keyboard with ridiculous fingers, tormented by GIFs.

iPhone

New iPhone. First ever iPhone, actually. Last time I used anything Apple was 1993. I was much younger then. It’s a little weird and counter-intuitively disconcerting now, this iPhone, like learning an Indo-European language vaguely familiar but full of irregularities. Plus I’m ordering all these coffees at Starbucks and I don’t even know what they are.

Also, these Apple decals are stuck to my fingers. My shirt. My hair. That lady’s pants.

Oops, gotta run. Siri just told me it’s goat yoga time.

Facebook knows that a sucker is born every minute

(Written c. 2008, when social media users were much more innocent, apparently.)

I’ve discovered that it is possible to use Facebook without revealing any information about yourself at all. None. What is required for registration you make up. You use an alias email. Therefore nothing of use goes to Facebook or any of the big, scary search engines that trawl the databases for whatever reason. You can even set up a fan page using your own name that requires giving no useful information. (Did I do that?). What is astonishing about Facebook is how all the information it has acquired on people is given over completely voluntarily. No torture necessary.

The scary fact is that none of the info they have on you is ever eliminated. There is no law requiring them to get rid of that info, the way there is with financial institutions, etc. Indeed, there are no laws about Facebook whatsoever. People simply cannot get themselves to believe that anything on the Internet could be, potentially, deep down malign. (This has certainly changed.) Yes Facebook is now, right now, being used to collect information on citizens in ways that neither the Third Reich’s RSHA or the Soviet’s KGB could ever imagine. I know paranoid leftists and paranoid rightists who will readily give all kinds of personal information to Facebook without batting an eye. I wish I could say I’m being paranoid but I worked in that side of the industry (data mining) for ten years. It is all about acquiring as much information from as many people as possible. There seems no limit to what people will tell a website. They have analytical tools now of astonishing sensitivity and breadth, and have ways of storing information is usable forms that are beyond the average person’s understanding. I’d constantly see the new tools coming out to mine that info. They were able to get more and more specific. When you can direct ad campaigns at individual users—that means someone knows so much about you that they can accurately predict what will attract you to send money. There are technologies now that can be that specific across databases that contain millions of individuals. They can even see what those people look like. There are pictures of them posted everywhere. Not only on their own site but on other people’s sites. Facebook didn’t develop that technology as a favor to its users.

HR departments regularly go to Facebook and do a search on an applicant’s name to see what comes up. (This was new at the time.) The applicant doesn’t even have to be registered with Facebook. If some jerk posted a photo of you on their website smoking a joint and then tags your name…..there goes that job. Same with security clearances. Medical insurance. SSI. Credit companies. Homeland Security. And that is just in this country. They all use Facebook and people just pretend they don’t. People think Facebook is all about having friends. Facebook is about information. That’s why it’s worth a gajillion dollars.

Facebook knows that a sucker is born every minute.

You are what you type

(2013)

I keep seeing posts from people ranting and raving about NSA spying…which is worth ranting and raving about, except that they are doing their ranting and raving on Facebook. Not that there’s any other way to rant and rave anymore (unless you can tweet and rave it in 140 characters). But there’s the irony… The Facebook collective community seem to believe deep down that Facebook is essentially a social network, but actually Facebook is the world’s greatest personal information gathering machine ever. Hence its colossal financial value. And no matter how much you think the NSA knows about you, Facebook and everyone who data mines its collected data know much more about you. Every single time you do anything on Facebook, even reading this very paragraph (this was originally a post), is additional data for Facebook that can be data mined by anyone. You are already being spied on. I don’t believe the NSA is actually spying on you through your computer..I believe that all they are doing is accessing the Facebook database and all the other databases that you have poured information into through registration, profile information, key words, liking and not liking, surveys, tags, online purchases, online browsing, online banking, online photos, comments, searches, MapQuest info, emailing, texting, you name it. There is scarcely a keystroke you make on your keyboard that does not show up in someone’s database. Data mining is one of the most sophisticated technologies the Internet industry has yet developed, and it only gets more sophisticated and refined. If any of you saw a profile of yourself based on the data obtained through  your internet usage you would be astounded at how much like you it is. And as far as the Internet is concerned, that profile is more you than you are.

Even if not everything I said here is happening right now, it almost certainly and imminently will be. The technology is so advanced. There will soon be a time when every commercial you see on your cable TV, every ad you see online when you open a website, and even junk snail mail and sales and fundraising calls will be personalized per a profile developed through extremely sophisticated data mining of your registration and online activity. It’s already started. The Obama campaign’s data mining was so sophisticated the Romney campaign had no idea what hit them. There ain’t a marketer in the country that failed to notice that one.

It seems to me that when you all entered the virtual world of the Internet, you gave up your selves. Not your corporeal self, but your virtual self. And your virtual self is far more important right now than your real self. You are what you type. And Facebook, the NSA and anyone else who has access to you online knows it. Including every law enforcement organization that has access to the internet. That is how they spy on you. They don’t have to ask you a damn thing. You already told them. And those are the entities that can reach right through the Internet and pick up your corporeal self and toss it in jail, or at least keep it off airliners. Your corporeal self may never hurt anybody, threaten anybody, or be anything but nice, but your digital self may have done something suspicious, somehow. And it’s too late to do anything about it now.

Sleep well.